When “Me” becomes “We”: Balancing independence and intimacy
When joining our lives together with our life partner, it is important to maintain our own independence as individuals while maintaining the balance of the relationship we have together. It is also important for us to respect the individuality of our partners while maintaining our own.
The importance of independence within relationships:
Being independent and autonomous are important aspects of fostering a sense of a personal and unique identity within ourselves. Knowing ourselves is an important part of knowing what our personal values are, what values we would like in a partner, what our boundaries are, and which areas we are willing to negotiate or compromise on.
The unique identity and personality of our partner is what attracted us to them in the first place. The unification of our own and our partner’s identities is what helps foster intimacy and unity.
It is natural to struggle with the balance of holding on versus letting go and holding back versus giving it all. However, couples who take responsibility can notice the part they are playing in withholding and withdrawing themselves from the relationship. They can rise to the challenge to meet their partner where they are and where they find themselves. They also see their relationship as a work in progress and a means to inter- and intrapersonal growth.
Intimacy and independence perform a dance within a relationship between closeness and focus on individual growth.
Some helpful questions couples can ask themselves when assessing balance within the relationship are:
In what ways is my growth sustained and fulfilled within our relationship?
How is my growth contributing to the intimacy within our relationship?
How is the relationship contributing towards my individual growth?
The balance between taking care of ourselves and loving our partner is maintained by the rhythm of our dance, which is respect. When there is a high level of respect within relationships, couples can perform the dance between intimacy and independence fluidly.
Important points to consider for a successful, balanced relationship:
Knowing and respecting the boundaries within the relationship while exercising your own personal freedom can be rewarding. Great long-term relationships make room for personal freedom based on the agreement between partners. It is important to discuss which behaviours are acceptable or could be compromised upon.
Being in a long-term committed relationship is a choice, not a submission. The choice made to give up the autonomy of single life in exchange for the blessings found in a committed relationship is a willing sacrifice. There cannot be room for resentment or martyrdom within a loving partnership; otherwise, the relationship will eventually disintegrate. That which each partner brings to the relationship are seen as gifts to one another, not losses or eradication of individuality.
When it comes to “us” or “we” relationships, each partner always keeps the other one in mind and in their hearts even when that partner is not around. They have an understanding that they will not do anything behind their partner’s back that would not be acceptable in the presence of their partner.
Both partners should know that successful relationships must be open to continuous regeneration and scrutiny. There should be belief in transformation and a willingness to support each other, with the knowledge that anxiety and ambiguity are likely to be part of the process.
Both partners should be willing to talk about any feelings of entrapment upfront and immediately. Partners should be aware that there are many creative ways to restructure new goals and establish more flexible agreements when one partner needs more freedom. Commitment to authenticity and transparency should be non-negotiable.
The ability and willingness to compromise are required in any committed relationship. Single people may have more options; however, they are solely responsible for all consequences. In a committed relationship, it is important to remember that the actions of today carry over to tomorrow and so forth. All actions build within a committed relationship, where single relationships may have fleeting moments.
Learn to truly see your partner and recognise their strengths and unique qualities. We may easily forget to tell our partner what we love and appreciate about them. However, research has shown countless times how important it is for people to be appreciated and recognised for what they give and who they are. It is easy when we are in a long-term relationship to assume our partners know how much we love and treasure them; however, verbal validation from time to time is extremely helpful in nurturing appreciation and friendship. Verbal validation also provides a buffer against long-lasting damage critical remarks may cause.
It is important to understand that different people require different things at different times. As partners, we should always be willing to reprioritise resources to effectively support each other. It is also important to have open communication and be mindful of changes within us and our partner. When our needs change, it is our responsibility to inform our partners and have an open dialogue about our new needs.
Finding the person we think we would like to spend the rest of our lives with is easier than keeping that love and commitment alive by letting it regenerate over time. Many couples are unprepared for the changes that await when they relinquish their single life. It is important for couples to have faith that a committed, forever relationship will be more than worth it. Leaving single life behind should be a decision free from resentment or conflict.
When two single people decide to become "we" by intertwining their lives, they should ideally be well-informed as to what that decision entails. When couples are armed with foreknowledge and skills, they are able to commit fully to their new path together without holding on to what they gave up.
Long-term relationships become beautiful adventures when we honour and appreciate our partners. Celebrate who each of you are within your relationship, and moments of adventure will follow.
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